Beyond Blue

I've chosen to serve you in chaplaincy and then also crossed over to mental health where I hope I can be of service there, too, and maybe while I am at it, take care of minor details like paying the bills. But, whoever determines the value of things (apparently not you, because I doubt your priorities are that screwed up!) the work I do at both jobs doesn't pay any more than flipping flippin' burgers and dipping french fries into artery-hardening grease. I could work for my son, the McDonald's manager, or his wife, the Burger King manager (how'd you pull that one off, anyway!? Talk about 'mixed marriages'!) and make about as much as I do now.

So, I'm working my age (61) in hours--almost. 56 hours last week. Sometimes more. Rarely less. And if less, I start sweating about bills.

People I started teaching with have been enjoying full retirement for about five or six years. Me? I'm working like some kid right out of college with a worthless liberal arts degree. (Come to think of it, that's what I have)

Don't get me wrong! I love serving you and trying to embody your love for those who need it most--the wounded, the crushed, the limping, the desperate, the defeated, the--well, you know the rest. And all I ever learned about self-care in seminary and during the chaplaincy residency have gone out the window because of that practical but annoying desire to not live under a damn bridge.

Please, Please, know that I am with you! The very tears you shed are my own. The very ache you feel is my own heart breaking. And I know that you are feeling helpless, lost, and angry. I know it's hard to be carrying that anger and not have anywhere to direct it; no one to 'blame'.

First, though, don't blame yourself! I created you with the freedom of choice and the limited, finite being that you are is going to make some bad choices. So, even if the suffering you are going through is the direct result of your choices--or even the innocent suffering as the victim of someone else's choices, so, let it go. That's simply the way things are. It's not the best system, but it's the one that gives you the greatest freedom to love and to be loved, or even to reject the option of love. Love should never be forced, controlled or manipulated, but always unconditional. Love can only be love when it's a conscious, unconditional, choice. And unconditional love can hurt like hell. Believe me, I know.

Also, it's frustrating when circumstances are beyond your control, as life circumstances and health issues often are. Know that you are not a bad person who deserves any of your "fate". Know that you are not being punished by me, the universe, Mother Nature, the Norns, the Furies, Sauron, the Wicked Witch of the North or any other entity.

Forrest Gump had it right: "sh*t happens". And if you want to blame me for that, then that's okay. I wouldn't be God if I couldn't handle it! Dump all your anger and bitterness on me, and I'll return it to you as healing love.

I'm as close as your own heartbeat and as much a part of you as your own breath. My Being moves in and through you, supporting and sustaining you. Yes, "Shit happens." But I'm happening in the midst of that shit. Turn around. You won't see some God sitting on a high throne pure and pristeen in robes as white as anything you've ever seen in a tv laundry detergent commercial. No, I'm at your side, deep in the muck with you, deep within the creation, moving, a touch here, a nudge there, a comforting pat and an encouraging, loving word, drawing creation--and you--to fulfillment.