Today I recognize how distorted my thinking was back then, and I cringe when I read it.
But like an anorexic who thinks more weight loss will make her beautiful, suicidal folks are locked on death as the solution.
It's difficult for people who have never wanted to die to appreciate the powerful manipulation of suicidal thoughts. It's a little bit like being drunk and lonely, and holding a cell phone. You think that calling your ex-boyfriend is absolutely the right thing to do--until you wake up the next morning and thank the Lord in heaven you didn't do it.
Now I know when I have that thought--if only I were dead--my blinders are on. Not that I always have the capability of taking them off. But just knowing my view isn't accurate and that I'll see correctly soon enough makes me less afraid and desperate.
Add to Del.icio.us
Add to Technorati
Add to Digg
Add to Newsvine
Subscribe
Your right it is like that,for us. I have been there. And continue to fight!
i suffer from alternating bouts of anxiety and depression myself, and i have to say that your frank conversations are comforting to me. i don't feel quite so alone or strange, like all this mess and darkness happens to other people, too. and as a student in a counseling program about to graduate in may, i am pleased every time someone has the courage to speak out and erase the stigma that is still attached to mental illness. thank you for you...
Ahh... but I usually do call the ex boyfriend and say something stupid... and wake up the next day half the time not even remembering what I said. Letting go is so hard, and I miserable. But I don't want to die... I ahd a suicidal fiance once, and I wasn't strong enough to stay with him. Things were easier then, b/c I knew what to expect and knew what I wanted. Now, I have no idea what I want... no idea where I want to be, who I wnat to be with, now I am lonely and confused. I just hate not knowing... sad to say living with a suicidal abusive fiance was easier... ha, but I don't like to take the easy road... appearently....
But when the Depression talks to you, and cajoles, and prods, and tells you that you have to die, and that you really have no choice, it's so hard to resist the voice...
Post a Comment
By submitting these comments, I agree to the beliefnet.com terms of service, rules of conduct and privacy policy (the "agreements"). I understand and agree that any content I post is licensed to beliefnet.com and may be used by beliefnet.com in accordance with the agreements.