We’ve all heard it said that good relationships are based on good communication. I believe this is true—on more levels than just the verbal.
We’ve all heard it said that good relationships are based on good communication. I believe this is true—on more levels than just the verbal. Good relationships are based on good verbal and energetic connection. Think of the last time that you were pretty sure that someone was judging you. They didn’t say they were judging you. Maybe their words were even supportive. Yet you still felt this sense that they were judging you.
Let’s say that you even decide that you are too powerful to stay stuck in a Story that might not even be true, so you decide to check it out and it turns out—yes, they do admit they were judging you. That “feeling” you got of being judged is what I’m talking about when I talk about energetic communication. Simply put: our partners know when our words contain hidden agendas, or when we’re not saying what we’re really feeling. We as humans devise all kinds of Stories as to what those feelings mean or are really about. The most powerful step to take is to check them out (“I might be running a Story about this, so I thought I’d ask if…”). Nonetheless, we pick up on other people’s energy. So my first question when we talk about relationships is this: How do YOU communicate?
Like it or not, most people can pick up on this energetic communication. Energetic communication is so important, because we pick up far more cues based on someone’s tone of voice or body language than we do their actual words. Hopefully you’re also seeing how often “miscommunication” happens because of the Stories we create about what someone says or does (for instance, if someone is distant, we make up a Story that they don’t like us when in fact they might just have a headache). The making up the story part is your work when you do it with others and others’ work if they make up Stories about you. Nonetheless, we’re talking about you, here. You might be thinking, “Okay, but what do I do? You’re telling me that my judgments of others are probably something people pick up on. But how do I stop those judgments?”
Well, first, step into some acceptance around the judgment. Just own that you have them. Own that you have an inner little kid that got triggered in this way or that to believe that it’s someone else’s fault, or responsibility, or why do they have to always, or it’s not fair, or you’re sick and tired of, or… Step for a moment into the freedom and permission to just say that you have those judgments. Also, it’s worth noting that judgments serve us in many ways. I would never want to encourage, for instance, a woman to get on a path that is so dedicated to “not having negative judgments” that she ignored feelings about whether or not the man she’s just gone on a date with is a safe person, second-guessing herself into thinking that she shouldn’t have a “negative judgment” of someone if her gut instinct is telling her that this person is not safe.