Divinely Funny Jokes

Why God Never Received Tenure

1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a referred journal.
5. Some doubt He wrote it by Himself.
6. He may have created the world, but what has he done since?
7. The scientific community can't replicate His results.
8. He never got permission from the ethics board to use human subjects.
9. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
10. He rarely came to class and just told students, "Read the Book."
11. Some say He had His son teach class.
12. He expelled His first two students.
13. His office hours were irregular and sometimes held on a mountain top.
14. Although there were only 10 requirements, all students failed save His Son.

Dividing Nuts

On the outskirts of town, there was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.

The bucket was so full, several rolled out toward the fence.

Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He knew what it was. "Oh, my!" he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!" He cycled down the road as fast as he could and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come quick!" said the boy. "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls."

The man said, "Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is!"

After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling the truth! Let's see if we can see the Devil himself."

Shivering with fear, they peered through the fence, yet they were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes before the boy.

Having Faith

A religious man is on top of a roof during a great flood. A man comes by in a boat and says, "Get in, get in!" The religious man replies, " No I have faith in God. He will grant me a miracle."

Later the water is up to his waist and another boat comes by and the guy tells him to get in again. He responds that he has faith in God and God will give him a miracle. With the water at about chest high, another boat comes to rescue him, but he turns down the offer again because, "God will grant him a miracle."

With the water at chin high, a helicopter throws down a ladder and they tell him to get in, mumbling with the water in his mouth, he again turns down the request for help for the faith of God. He arrives at the gates of heaven with broken faith and says to Peter, I thought God would grant me a miracle and I have been let down."

St. Peter chuckles and responds, "I don't know what you're complaining about, we sent you three boats and a helicopter."

Take it With You

There once was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all his money and was a real miser. He loved money more than just about anything.

One day, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me, because I want to take my money into the afterlife."

He forced her to promise with all her heart that she'd obey his wish and put all their money in the casket with him.

Well, soon after he died.

His wife sat in the church during the funeral next to her best friend. When the ceremony was finished, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the widow said, "Wait just a minute!" and she placed a small box she had with her in her husband's lifeless hands.

The undertakers then locked the casket and rolled it away.

The woman's friend said, "I know you weren't fool enough to put all your money in there with your husband!"

The widow replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian. I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put our money in that casket with him and that's what I did."

"You mean to tell me you put all of your money in that casket?!!"

"I sure did," said the widow.

"How'd you fit it all in that little box?" asked her friend.

"I wrote him a check."