Communication Breakdown

After fifteen years of marriage, my husband and I know each other well. I can absolutely count on his love and support, and I am thankful for that. But lately, I've been feeling distressed because we don't really communicate. In fact, he doesn't like to talk much at all, and even when we do, it's not satisfying.

I'm a "searcher" who's always looking at new ideas, and sometimes I feel stifled by his lack of curiosity and depth. I know he believes in God and lives a giving life, and his work consumes a lot of his time and energy, but I also want and need more stimulation than I'm getting from him. I've tried to just see his positive qualities, but at the end of the day, I need someone to talk to and share things with. Although I have mentioned my needs to him more than once, he is unwilling or unable to meet them. I realize this is a "typical" male/female problem, but knowing that doesn't make it go away.

--Ellie from Tucson

You're correct that this is a common male/female problem, and in years of counseling couples we have seen many examples of this dynamic, even with the gender roles reversed--if a man loves to talk about his feelings and the relationship, he usually winds up with a woman who doesn't. The dynamic also exists in gay and lesbian relationships. But its presence is usually an indication of complementary strengths, not irreconcilable differences. It is helpful to recognize that your situation is not an aberration, although we understand that pointing this out does not relieve the distress you are feeling.

There's a tendency today to believe that individuals who talk, share their feelings, and know all the current, popular, spiritual concepts are also higher beings. This simply isn't true. In fact, many, if not most, of the deeply spiritual people we know do not talk about their spirituality. They practice it in daily life.

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