Are You the Black Sheep?

In most families, there is at least one creative, sensitive, or spiritual person who simply doesn't share the values and lifestyle decisions of the other family members. It's not about who's right or wrong but rather a question of moving beyond comparisons and competition so that each family member gets support for his or her unique journey in life.

If you happen to be the one in your family who's different, please know that you are not alone. Many creative people throughout history have also found themselves alienated or scorned by some of their relatives. But what can you do to stay true to your unique way of living? Or, if you are concerned about someone else who is the black sheep or rebel in a family that simply cannot accept this person's way of life, what can be done to support this individual? How do you make sure he or she doesn't get crushed or excluded by the prevailing values and constant comparisons from judgmental relatives, especially when they gather for holidays, birthdays, weddings, funerals, or other events where the advice-giving becomes intense?

"My Family Doesn't Know What to Do with Me"
Lauren's case is a good example of someone who has been stung by too many comparisons with her relatives on the issues of money and status. Lauren is a bright and creative 32-year-old woman who told me in her first counseling session, "My family doesn't know what to do with me. I'm a bundle of contradictions. On the one hand, I grew up with a love for Irish and Appalachian roots music, which I picked up from my maternal grandmother and which I studied in depth during college and graduate school. That kind of creative interest nourishes my soul, but it makes absolutely no sense to my father, who's a self-made business owner. He thinks I'm a complete fool for pursuing my passion for music history and ethnic folk cultures. My stressful financial situation is a big joke to my older brother, who's a very prominent doctor. I'm also having trouble with the constant judgments and advice from my younger sister, who has an affluent lifestyle and who's been divorced twice already from well-to-do guys."

Lauren explains, "You see, our family has a lot of emotional baggage about money and status. When I was a kid, my dad struggled to make ends meet. We lived in a very small house right on the edge of a much nicer neighborhood. My brother, my sister, and I knew quite clearly that we had a lot less money and a more restrictive life than the kids at our highly competitive high school. Even after my dad's business started to do well when I was in college, my folks were still extremely tight and insecure about money."

Continued on page 2: »