A Bad History Is Not Destiny

One of the most significant mind-sets for a Good Life is positive thinking. When callers want to complain on and on about their parents, friends, or spouses, I usually ask them to give me five to ten really important, wonderful, good things about that person as the price for me hearing the bad stuff. This assignment is largely about helping the caller calm down and get perspective, and teaching them not to dismiss the valuable aspects that would buoy them in their lives and relationships.

A great example of this came from a listener, Kris, whose mother died as an alcoholic in denial. Kris never shed a tear about his mother's passing, nor did he feel any loss about her death. In fact, it scared him a bit that he felt nothing whatsoever in terms of grief or sadness. When his mother died, he mostly was relieved that his suffering at the hands of his mother was over. As the oldest child, while his siblings were finishing college and starting their own families, he provided for her necessities since she had squandered her own money.

"So," Kris wrote, "I was all set to tell you why I would not honor my mother because of her alcoholism and the detriment that caused to our family. But, I can't! I really have a lot to thank her for, though I know the adult I became was not because of any grand parenting plan on her part.

"When she was too drunk to:

wash the clothes, I learned to run a washer and dryer

fix the meals, I became a fairly decent cook

take care of my baby sister, I learned how to change diapers, make formula, and how to entertain a two-year-old

pay the bills, I learned how to live within my means

help me with my homework, I figured it out myself

to pay for my college education, I did it myself

run to my aid when I got arrested for drag racing, I suffered the consequences of my actions myself

give me advice about life, love, and the pursuit of happiness, I learned how to achieve the American dream on my own.

"So, even though my mother thwarted and frustrated me for almost my entire life, I still have to give her credit for helping me become the man I am. I can't say that I love her, but in a way, I must give her some honor for the gifts she inadvertently gave me."

I believe Kris's analysis is something you can learn from because even negative examples are examples—of what not to do! A bad history is not destiny. You have choices in perspective, attitude, and actions. These are the stuff resilience, and therefore a Good Life, are made of....

You can have a Good Life no matter how bad your childhood. It may not be a perfect life. You may never have all aspects of your life filled with serenity or the level of success that might have been yours had you picked different parents (just kidding). While some of you may never, for example, choose to have children because your anxieties about parent-childhood problems overwhelm you, you might feel comfortable volunteering in a preemie ward, where they always need loving folks to comfort children.

Continued on page 2: Be the fireman... »