Down With Sex!

Sex was one of the Creator's best ideas. Few things offer more delight: the bodily pleasure of tension and release; the adventure of exploring and knowing another human being; the real, if temporary, liberation from fragmented individualism into intimate communion. In a life often marked by frequent boredom, dreary routines, and hard labor, sex is a blessed interruption--perhaps I should say, a volcanic eruption--of ecstatic joy.

But it, too, has limitations. The most obvious is its dependence on bodies, and these bodies, as we've already acknowledged, must contend with the wear and tear of age.

A friend recently asked a small group of us, "Do you know the best birth control after the age of forty?"

Different answers came to mind but the smile on his face asked us to play along with him. "No, tell us."

"Getting naked."

We laughed, of course. We laughed because we were all over forty and had our share of wrinkles and flab and moles and plumbing problems; we laughed to distract ourselves from the anxiety that had been evoked; we laughed because that's often the best strategy for disarming a threatening truth.

But with our spouses standing next to us, we did not laugh too hard.

It's common knowledge that sexual vigor diminishes with age. Or at least, it has been common knowledge. Now we're questioning this. Research focused on older persons has provided a more accurate picture, one that reveals men and women in their sixties and seventies, even eighties, enjoying an active sex life. Yesterday, in preparation for writing this chapter, I thumbed through sections of The Hite Report on Male Sexuality, and I was enormously cheered to discover what many retired people do with their spare time! The consensus among Hite's interviewees seems to be that though sexual activity changes over time, its desire and pleasure remain. Reading about this reminded me of something my white-haired dad likes to say: snow on the roof doesn't mean there can't be fire in the furnace.

Still, most couples report some flagging of interest and performance overtime. And, regardless of age, even the most ready-to-get-it-on couples have to admit inevitable limitations. They may shake loose the bedsprings three or four times a day, but there comes a time when even champions of libido need a break. The body can take only so much pleasure. Besides, the bills need to be paid and the garbage taken out.

And many are simply not able to have sex, no matter how much they want it. Perhaps they're single, with no romance in their lives; perhaps their spouses are ill or uninterested; perhaps they can't transcend debilitating emotional hurdles; perhaps they're too wounded from past experiences; perhaps they have no energy left after raising children and making a living. There are many reasons why people undergo involuntary celibacy. In fact, it's fair to assume that all of us, at one time or another, endure this.

The limitations of sex are so obvious, I hardly need to belabor the point.

So what possible consolations could be found in the diminution of something so wonderful?

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