Jon Stewart: 'Oops...We Broke the World'

Comedian Jon Stewart tells 'the next greatest generation' to get ready to fix it.

BY: Jon Stewart

 

Adapted from the commencement speech delivered by Jon Stewart, host and executive producer of Comedy Central's "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart," at the College of William and Mary, May 16, 2004.



Thank you, Mr. President, I had forgotten how crushingly dull these ceremonies are. Thank you.



My best to the choir. I have to say, that song never grows old for me. Whenever I hear that song, it reminds me of nothing.



I am honored to be here, I do have a confession to make before we get going that I should explain very quickly. When I am not on television, this is actually how I dress. I apologize, but there's something very freeing about it. I congratulate the students for being able to walk even a half a mile in this non-breathable fabric in the Williamsburg heat. I am sure the environment that now exists under your robes, are the same conditions that primordial life began on this earth.

I am honored to be here and to receive this honorary doctorate. When I think back to the people that have been in this position before me from Benjamin Franklin to Queen Noor of Jordan, I can't help but wonder what has happened to this place. Seriously, it saddens me. As a person, I am honored to get it; as an alumnus, I have to say I believe we can do better. And I believe we should. But it has always been a dream of mine to receive a doctorate and to know that today, without putting in any effort, I will. It's incredibly gratifying. Thank you. That's very nice of you, I appreciate it.



I'm sure my fellow doctoral graduates-who have spent so long toiling in academia, sinking into debt, sacrificing God knows how many years of what, in truth, is a piece of parchment that has been so devalued by our instant gratification culture as to have been rendered meaningless-will join in congratulating me. Thank you.



But today isn't about how my presence here devalues this fine institution. It is about you, the graduates. I'm honored to be here to congratulate you today. Today is the day you enter into the real world, and I should give you a few pointers on what it is. It's actually not that different from the environment here. The biggest difference is you will now be paying for things, and the real world is not surrounded by three-foot brick wall. And the real world is not a restoration. If you see people in the real world making bricks out of straw and water, those people are not colonial re-enactors-they are poor. Help them. And in the real world, there is not as much candle-lighting. I don't really know what it is about this campus and candle-lighting, but I wish it would stop. We only have so much wax, people.



Let's talk about the real world for a moment. We had been discussing it earlier, and I...I wanted to bring this up to you earlier about the real world, and this is I guess as good a time as any. I don't really know to put this, so I'll be blunt. We broke it.



Please don't be mad. I know we were supposed to bequeath to the next generation a world better than the one we were handed. So, sorry.



I don't know if you've been following the news lately, but it just kinda got away from us. Somewhere between the gold rush of easy internet profits and an arrogant sense of endless empire, we heard kind of a pinging noise, and uh, then the damn thing just died on us. So I apologize.



But here's the good news. You fix this thing, you're the next greatest generation, people. You do this-and I believe you can-you win this war on terror, and Tom Brokaw's kissing your ass from here to Tikrit, let me tell ya. And even if you don't, you're not gonna have much trouble surpassing my generation. If you end up getting your picture taken next to a naked guy pile of enemy prisoners and don't give the thumbs up, you outdid us.



We declared war on terror. After we defeat it, I'm sure we'll take on that bastard ennui.



But obviously that's the world. What about your lives? What piece of wisdom can I impart to you about my journey that will somehow ease your transition from college back to your parents' basement?



Continued on page 2: »

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