Jewish Get Ritual

The Hebrew word for divorce is get, and it's pronounced just the way it looks. The word means a "bill of divorcement" and refers to the document itself, which even today is written in the ancient way, right down to the traditional parchment and quill pen. In Jewish law, the husband "gives a get" and the wife "gets a get." Liberal movements of Judaism, like Reform and Reconstructionist, feel the spirit of the law is egalitarian, and they allow a wife to initiate a divorce as well.

Official Stance on Divorce: "If a man marries a woman who becomes displeasing to him because he finds something indecent about her, he writes her a bill of divorcement, gives it to her and sends her from his house."
(Deuteronomy 24:1)

Divorce in Judaism is "no-fault," emphasizing the couple's freedom from the chains of a marriage that hasn't fulfilled their hopes. The traditional ritual hasn't changed much in hundreds of years. Different branches of Judaism vary on the degree of women's participation, but Jewish leaders across the entire spectrum strongly encourage the use of a divorce ritual.

Rabbi Goldie Milgram, a Reconstructionist rabbi who is faculty chair of professional skills and spiritual development at the pluralistic Academy for Jewish Religion Seminary in New York, is "bemused" that "some rabbis require Jewish weddings but honor civil divorces. If anything, the civil divorce rituals entangle and exacerbate warring souls. A get done consciously with depth [and] kindness.accelerates and helps make possible a healthy transition."

When? Some rabbis require a civil divorce to be completed before a get is given, but in some places (New York and Canada, for example), civil law requires partners to remove any "religious impediments to remarriage" before a civil divorce is granted.

Who Participates? Either or both spouses, a sofer (scribe) to write the document, and three rabbis. At least one of the rabbis should be an expert in divorce; the others are witnesses. In Orthodox circles, it's becoming common for the wife to bring along a "court advocate," a woman who is trained in the Jewish court system. Either spouse can also bring along a friend or family member for moral support. Children don't usually participate, because the traditional ceremony is quite short and austere. In a nontraditional ceremony, however, you can use your judgment about what your children are capable of understanding and whether or not it will help them to participate.

Where? The get need not be given in a synagogue. Any location that can accommodate all participants is acceptable. In fact, because the husband can give a get through an agent or a series of agents, the wife can receive it in a different city from her husband. A get can be arranged in almost any Jewish community, as long as a rabbi and two witnesses are available.

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