You Might Be an Orthodox Christian If...

  • You're experienced at removing wax from clothing.

  • In a blind taste test, you can identify different brands of tofu.

  • You don't flinch when someone throws water at you.

  • You kiss a man's hand more than three times every Sunday.

  • You know how to address the wife of a priest in more than three languages.

  • You know how to say "Christ is risen!" in more than four languages.

  • You can immediately come up with the date 13 days ago.

  • Your children think of monasteries as vacation destinations.

  • You know which chocolate candies contain no milk products. (Go Junior Mints!)

  • You are 20 and already have varicose veins.

  • You are 80 and can still touch the floor.

  • You don't mind going around with an oily forehead.


  • You bow reflexively before hirsute men in black dresses.

  • You have memorized the 50th Psalm, but it's from four different translations.

  • You save toenail clippings in hopes of ... well ... you know ... glorification.


  • Your spouse is concerned about whether the carbon stains on the ceiling are hurting the retail value of the house.

  • You forget to set your clock forward in the spring and get to church an hour late, and it's still not halfway through.

  • Fellow parishioners forget to set their clocks back in the fall and get up an hour early, yet they still arrive late.


  • Your children think nothing of Sundays without breakfast.

  • At the end of Holy Week, you have rug burns on your forehead.

  • Before you pray, you say a prayer.
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