Conversations With God...in a Sports Bar

This article first appeared in January 2000.

"Does God care? Evidently, he's cared 16 times, because we won 16 games, and not to say he didn't care the other two times, but maybe he cared enough to allow the other team to win the other two times."
--quarterback Randall Cunningham

Date: Sunday, November 14, 1999. Place: Park Avenue Country Club, a sports bar in Manhattan.

Q: Excuse me--God?

A: The one and only. Are you surprised?

Q: No, no. I guess I just didn't expect to see you--the supreme deity, that "than which nothing greater can be conceived"--dressed in Nikes and a Super Bowl XXXIII sweatshirt.

A: Well, there's a lot people don't know about me. Hang on! [Points to a TV monitor] It's third and 10 with 17 seconds left to the half. The Giants could take the lead . . .  C'mon, Big Blue! . . . Gimme a break! I saw great grandmothers cross the Red Sea with more hustle! . . .  Anyway. Grab a stool. What you drinking?

Q: Uh, whatever you're having.

A: Bartender! Two more, and easy on the ice this time ... Great place, eh? Two satellite dishes, ten giant screens, fifty TV sets. I can watch all my games, plus I can fire up a stogie and no one complains.

Q: [Waving away smoke] First, Lord, thanks for agreeing to this interview.

A: Sure, just remember what I said. Rule number one: We only talk football. Stick to pigskin, and I'm all yours. Till halftime's over, of course! (Laughs)

Q: Of course. But if I may, why won't you discuss the "big issues"--war, poverty, justice, suffering, the problem of evil . . . 

A: Boooring. [Rises and shouts] Hey, anybody want to discuss suffering and the problem of evil? We got ourselves a philosopher over here! [Laughs, sits down] Looks like I'm not the only one who's not biting today, Aristotle.

Q: Right, then. Football it is. When did you become so interested in the NFL?

A: Three, four years ago. That's when I started getting tens of thousands of prayers, every day, from football players. "God, heal my shoulder for next Sunday." "Lord, please, trade me from the Saints, or at least tack another 10 mil on my contract." "God, if you put another 7 points on the board, we promise . . . " Lotsof Faustian stuff. And after a game, an entire team would get on its knees on national television and thank me for the win! And I thought, do these guys really think I care who wins a stupid football game? So I started watching the sport, just for kicks. But you know what? The intensity, the athleticism, the bloodlust, John Madden's commentary--suddenly I understood all the fuss. And now I'm hooked . . .  Hey, it's the NASDAQ Halftime Report! Let's see how are my Skins are doing.

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