Losing It, Finding It

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I went back to insisting that my son say he was sorry to the strangers. I bore down heavily as his gaze dropped to the floor. My grandmother made a small, worried sound as she frowned and twisted her purse strap nervously. With anxiety, she witnessed her grandson's wrath and her great-grandson's humiliation.

One of the strangers stepped forward, offering that it was okay and no apology was needed. I refused his offer and tersely stated the obvious. I needed, for his own good, to have my son, now shamed in freeze-frame, do the right thing--my way. Scorched by my fiery intensity, the gentle stranger pulled back and helplessly watched the stalemate deepen. A silent gathering of passersby had formed, watching my unbending demand go unheeded. All were silent except for me. I was vaguely aware of the spectacle that I was creating, and the real discomfort and strain that I was causing everyone, particularly my own dear son.

My brother, whose intellectual ability is measured in the early preschool range, stepped silently to my side. He gently put his hand on my back and said to me in a low voice, "Peace, brother, peace." The dark spell was shattered. I reached out and touched my son's shoulder. I looked down and read the emotional wreckage from my anger storm on my child's upturned face. In a trembling voice, I told him that what he had done was wrong, but that what I was doing was worse. I apologized to the strangers, to my family and, most earnestly, to my son. I took my boy by the hand, and we left the mall.

My brother, like all people, has the capacity for wisdom. Today, he lives in a regular suburban home with two other guys. They receive the support they need and enjoy the pleasures of privacy, quietude and a home with dignity and individual respect. But twenty years ago, when he lived in a crowded, depersonalizing facility, he was a genuine peacemaker and a man of gentle and clear wisdom. He said three words to me that cut through my intellectual and moral conceit and resolved an intractable dilemma that had ensnared many in my anger and self-righteousness.