Catholic Definitions

Choir: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.

Holy Water: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

Hymn: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation’s range.

Incense: Holy Smoke!

Jesuits: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.

Jonah: The original “Jaws” story.

Justice: When your children have kids of their own.

Kyrie Eleison: The only Greek words that most Catholics an recognize besides gyros and baklava.

Magi: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

Manger:
1- Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn’t covered by an HMO.
2- The Bible’s way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.

Pew: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.

Procession: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

Recessional: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass—lead by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

Relics: People who have been going to Mass for so long that they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

Ten Commandments: The most important Top Ten list not produced by David Letterman.

Ushers: The only people in the parish who don’t know the seating capacity of a pew.


This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom Sheridan, with permission of ACTA Publications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.
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