The Selected Theological Wisdom of Ned Flanders

Ned's at his best when he's talking about the higher power

1. "Dear God, thank you for Ziggy comics, little baby ducks, and `Sweatin' to the Oldies' volumes one, two, and four."

2. "Bless the grocer for this wonderful meat, the middleman who jacked up the price, and let's not forget the humane but determined boys at the slaughterhouse.

3. (Before a hurricane arrives in Springfield:) "Ooh, I better take down the manger scene. If Baby Jesus got loose, He could really do some damage!"

4. (After the hurricane:) "Why me, Lord? Where have I gone wrong? I've always been nice to people! I don't drink or dance or swear! I've even kept kosher, just to be on the safe side. I've done everything the Bible says; even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff! What more could I do?

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5. NED: Rev. Lovejoy, with all that's happened to us today, I kinda feel like Job. LOVEJOY: Well, aren't you being a tad melodramatic, Ned? Also, I believe Job was right-handed. NED: But Reverend, I need to know. Is God punishing me? LOVEJOY: Ooh, short answer: "yes" with an "if." Long answer: "no" with a "but."

6. NED: At times like these, I used to turn to the Good Book and find solace, but even the Good Book can't help me now. HOMER: Why not? NED: I sold it to you for seven cents.

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