Ned Flanders, My Hero

Why we'd like to be stranded on a desert island with no one else

Thanks to the sudden death of his wife Maude, that dreamboat Ned Flanders is now a-v-a-i-l-a-b-l-e. Why are hearts fluttering and knees weak?



Take another look at our man Ned: he's got more than his share of gal appeal. He's decked out in an impeccable suit of virtues. I'm on the level here. OK, get past the adenoidal voice. Get past the round goggle-glasses. Get past the annoying chirpiness. Wait, go back to the annoying chirpiness. Sure, it's irritating, but you have to admit that it has a noble source. Ned is endlessly cheerful because he is pure in heart. He treats everyone around him with generosity and kindness, and can't imagine they wouldn't treat him the same way. He is incapable of cynicism or contempt, unlike just about everybody else in town.

That's the mystery of Ned Flanders. He may be decked out as a nerd, but it's that nerd disguise that enables him to smuggle authentic Christian virtues into world-weary homes every Sunday night. Obviously, he's set up to be a laughingstock and buffoon, a caricature of a Christian. But given that everyone on TV is a caricature of something, being a goody-goody isn't such a bad one. Indeed, it's a sign of real progress, since the most common Christian caricature had been of the intolerant hypocrite, the Elmer Gantry-type who wants to stick his nose under your covers when he's not busy breaking all the commandments himself. Ned, in that sense, represents a great breakthrough for Christians.

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While he initially looks like Springfield's village idiot, the character is more complex than that. After a few episodes it becomes apparent that he's actually the nicest person on the show. He's even the most competent. In a tight situation, he's the one you'd want around. On a dangerous whitewater rafting trip you'd be grateful for old Neddie, who is smart and brave and knows how to catch a fish with a cheese doodle ("Godspeed, little doodle," he murmurs as the hook slips beneath the waves.)

It might look like Homer is the star attraction, but in a crisis, Flanders is your man. On the raft Homer repeatedly feels a panicky need to wash his socks. When Ned warns him that water supplies must be conserved, Homer responds haughtily: "What do you think we're floating on? Don't you know the poem, "Water, water everywhere, so let's all have a drink?'"

Planning a whitewater trip? Who do you want to take along?

Over and over Ned stands out as kind and brave, despite continual abuse from Homer. When the Simpsons' house catches fire, Ned risks his life to save Homer's. When a falling comet threatens Springfield, Ned allows Homer to force him out of his own overcrowded shelter. And when Ned wins football tickets he invites Homer to the game, gives him the winning ball, and buys him a hat made of tortilla chips.

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